I thought as just a funny post as a friend brought it up today that I’d post about what would happen if I were to consider dating again. She asked if I was on Tinder and I asked if she was on drugs! I honestly cannot think o anything worse…ok maybe a blind date, that might be worse. A swipe left or right just doesn’t cut it, I’m thinking a full on interview procedure maybe with a panel of family members and friends (as let’s face it I have unreliable tastes!)
I’m still battling with the Job Description though, maybe;
Wanted man 30-40 (hmm maybe a bit desperate!)
Wanted man 30-40, own car essential, must be happy to be around children, a willingness to play superheroes (with kids not me!) and not shy to pick up the vacuum.
Am I past the stage to put in a bit of physicality? It seems very vain but at 5ft 9 really anyone below 5ft 10 need not apply. So after the cream of the crop (ha) have applied the panel will need some questions…if anyone is left at the end of this list even I would have to admit to being impressed. I could do with converting this into some sort of flowchart but I’m not really that technical…hmm computer literate should probably also be in that description.
- Are you willing to have a DBS check? This is a sort of polite way of saying “are you a paedophile without having to use the word. Let’s be honest as a parent this has to be your biggest fear when you meet someone new and eventually your home, especially when your children are more vulnerable than usual.
- Do you like children? I don’t like many children so this is a bit of a trick question but I think it’s probably better I look for someone who has a positive response to the question.
- Do you know much about autism? If this is a no I feel maybe I should give them a reading list and adjourn at a time in the future, if the answer is yes then a pop quiz will follow.
- Are you looking for someone to go out and have fun with? I’m pretty sure I can still do fun…the going out is more of an issue, I have two young children who need me there not larking about like I did 7+ years ago.
- Do you like a good night sleep and long lie ins? Hahaha Next!
- Do you have a very active social life which you plan on keeping up? You should probably stay single…or just find someone without kids.
- Are you tidy? I’m not and need someone who isn’t judgy about and is willing to lend a hand, I’ve been in relationships before where them having a blitz once a month lets them think they can leave the rest up to me all month…more fool them I say.
- Do you have any ex’s lurking in the background? I do, on the whole we get on OK for the kids but he’s there and will often thoroughly piss me off. I really need someone who understands that this annoyance is nothing to do with anything other than the how he treats the children rather than me.
As I said this is the reason I am single and not looking, who can be bothered. Years ago dating meant having a job an flirting with the nearest available male, now its a pain in the arse!
So no, no I am NOT on Tinder.